Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
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My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars