Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

Our lord and savoury.

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

Children of the corn 🌽

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

Is anyone gonna tell them?

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.