Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

rapatouille

Meanwhile in Canada…

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

look at me when i’m typing to you

I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now