Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.