Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.