Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

So many pants.
So little yoga.

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

🤫

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.