Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

In banana years, I am bread.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.