Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
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beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
🗽
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
omg leave her alone
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having