Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”