Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles