Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.