Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family