Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

Believing everything you read on the internet is the key

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

Them: you should buy crypto

Me:

Them: ok sell it now

Me:

Them: nvm buy it back

Me:

Them: OMG SELL IT

Me: [pulls AirPods out] what

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

8: When’s dad’s birthday?

Me: June 28

8: 2000 what?

Me: You mean 19…1984

8: 19? WOW

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee