Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

is he marrying that labradoodle

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.