Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
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Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.