Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
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triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”