Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

When libraries troll their patrons.

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

This headline is a thing of beauty

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.