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If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I am, perchance
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.