Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Whoops

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?