windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
You Might Also Like
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry