Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
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Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”