Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
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No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
bears
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that