Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

A Match(.com), but for socks.

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”