Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
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me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I wish I had trained flies that would fly into the mouths of people who chew with their mouths open
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I’m a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?