[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
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GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
three things we don’t talk about
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this