@TheToddWilliams

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

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@PsstCaptain

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

@panmidwest

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

@DanLaMorte

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

@raniao2011

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

@dril

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

@Milla_Jacobs

I wish I had trained flies that would fly into the mouths of people who chew with their mouths open

@ericsshadow

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

@Gooooats

I’m a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.

@XAIMMadellynne

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

@thejessbess

(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?