[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
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I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I think this should do it.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking