*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
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[after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn]
ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[being held back from my burning house by firemen]
get off me you bastar- MY VIN DIESEL BODY PILLOW IS STILL IN THERE
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
God: “haha, alright man”
Friend of mine is convinced this whole virus thing is a hoax. It’s hard to doubt him because he also knows exactly where they’re hiding the aliens in Area 51
[packing for camping trip]
me: need portable lights
jack: a flashlight?
me: nah, the bigger one with a handle
jack: oh, lantern?
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.