[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
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Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
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I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.