[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
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Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.