[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
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My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
do u think theres a butter planet?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.