[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
You Might Also Like
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?