Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
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People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
opening twitter today
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…