[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
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There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
cat vs inanimate object
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*