Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
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*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.