Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
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Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.