Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
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Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.