Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
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If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Weirdly Wednesday.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?