Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
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I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.