Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
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You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.