(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
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{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old