Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

welp

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!