*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
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My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
You have been warned.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
that wasn’t the question
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Jesus Christ lmao
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
peeping toms
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?