Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

Strudel me like one of your toaster girls

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

they should invent a rest for the wicked

A game married people play.

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.