Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.