Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
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wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Happy Star Wars day!
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.