Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
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I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
dark side of the loom
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place