Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

I don’t get marriage

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] ＩＦ  ＹＯＵ  ＬＩＫＥ  ＩＴ  ＴＨＥＮ  ＹＯＵ  ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ  ＰＵＴ  Ａ  ＲＩＮＧ  ＯＮ  ＩＴ

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

You are not alone 💚

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES