Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
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I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.