@Elizasoul80

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

@Thynebear

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

@briangaar

If you pull a lizard’s tail off, it will grow back. If you pull it off again, the lizard will be like “dude.”

@mommy_cusses

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

@NoorShamma

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

@newLettuce

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

@Sarcasticsapien

If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.