Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
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Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.