Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.