Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
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Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir