Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he chose this

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

Somedays I just love AI so much

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

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Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.