Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
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[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
look at me when i’m typing to you
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10