Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
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I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds