Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
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ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.