#winning
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The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
58.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
got so much cardio in today
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight