Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
