Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
me at the job i begged god for
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Succinctly put.
They’re really bad with fonts.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
