Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
choose your gary
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
