Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

The most accurate map ever devised.

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

Help

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.