@iamspacegirl

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

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@ShawnIzadi

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

@papasuncle

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

@KentWGraham

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

@Cpin42

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

@clindsaysway

Whenever I’m in a difficult situation, I think, “What would I do?” so I can do the opposite thing

@notimetobehere

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

@duplicitron

Today is the day I release the coyote I trained on Windows 95 back into the wild.

@drinksmcgee

There are no longer any other acceptable ways to measure wind speed.

@Mindless4Miles

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

@iamspacegirl

The crocodile is the most relatable character in Peter Pan because he really just wants to devour that one specific guy but will also happily eat whatever garbage that guy throws at him.