*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
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if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.