*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
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I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”