Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
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2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
😂😂😂
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.