Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

After 35, your body ages in dog years

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

This will never not be funny to me.

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?