Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
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If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Made something I’m not proud of
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?