Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
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My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes