Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

TWEET CALL

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If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist