#winning
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I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
These aliens are taking forever.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
My favorite type of men is ramen.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.