Winnipeg!!
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I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I am HOWLING at this
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
what kind of cook setting is this??
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..