Winnipeg!!
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If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Cake!!
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Perfection.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
2022 be like
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle