Winnipeg!!
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Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.
Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back