Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

Sheep

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

Time heals everything 🙂

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER