Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

God: you’re a capybara.

Capybara: yay!

God: you’re the largest rodent.

Capybara: double yay!

God: also you live in South America.

Capybara: so cool!

God: wow you’re in a great mood!

Capybara: just living my personal motto!

God: which is?

Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

my proudest tweet

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

Godspeed, John Glenn

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges