Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

ㅤ

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.