*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
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WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.